


As Seen On TV

by wcdarling



Series: Louis & Lestat Do the 80s [2]
Category: Vampire Chronicles - All Media Types, Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Genre: Advertising, As Seen On TV, Banter, Hair, Haircuts, Infomercials, M/M, Queen of the Damned, Television, Vampire Chronicles, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:23:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7214941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wcdarling/pseuds/wcdarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While living on Night Island, Lestat notices something different about Louis and after questioning him, manages to squeeze on an unbelievable secret, and then gets Louis to do him a favor. Sequel to "See Me, Ear Me, Touch Me, Feel Me." If you're a fan of 80s "As Seen On TV" ads, this one is for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Seen On TV

**Author's Note:**

> Note the hyperlink I've included in the text for those of you who need background information on the particular item described in the story. 
> 
> And as for the reference to a certain pop star, it reflects a certain conviction I have about Lestat (for further info see this link to my old VC fanfic: <http://metrogirl.com/vampspec/castinggame.htm>). 
> 
> Written way back in 2001.
> 
> \- Wendy

_**Night Island, 1985.** _

Louis cautiously poked his head out his bedroom door and checked the hallway. Finding no other coven members about, he slipped through the door, closing it quietly behind him, and swiftly stole down to the library. The night before, not too long before Louis had retired for the day, Marius had recommended a book for him to read, and now that he had taken care of his usual nightly rituals, he planned on paging through it.

Lestat was doubtless off in Miami getting his ears pierced for the dozenth time. It had become a running joke between them. Louis would ask Lestat where he had been and Lestat would say, "Oh, I think you can tell." And of course Louis would step in closer and inspect Lestat's ears, with their new piercings or new earrings. At least half the time this would lead Lestat to deliver to Louis a kiss or some other endearment.

Book in hand, however, Louis wasn't expecting to see Lestat anytime soon, so when he turned the doorknob on his own bedroom door and slipped inside to find Lestat sitting, legs crossed, at his desk, he was rather surprised. Louis told himself that at this point he shouldn't let any unexpected action of Lestat's phase him, but nevertheless he reflexively jumped.

"Did I startle you?" Lestat asked, looking amused.

Louis recovered himself, straightening his back and smoothing out his rumpled trousers. "Oh, not really. I thought you were out, you know."

"Getting my ears pierced again," Lestat offered.

Louis nodded and stepping over to the desk, putting the the book down. "So what brings you here?" he asked.

Lestat grinned and looked away for a moment before replying. "I wanted to see you, course. Really _see you_."

With this Lestat stood and gave Louis a long glance, inspecting him from head to toe. Mostly head actually.

"Ever since I showed you my first piercing, you've been cutting you hair," he observed, reaching up to gesture to the empty space below Louis' ears where his long black locks would normally hang.

"Yes, I have," Louis replied quickly, sounding slightly startled. He stepped back and turned around so Lestat could see the cut from all sides. "What do you think?"

Lestat's expression was reflective. "You didn't use to cut your hair."

"No, and you didn't use to run about with black leather pants, ripped T-shirts, blue-tinted sunglasses and _earrings_ either, now did you?" Louis countered.

Lestat nodded, accepting the point. "Ha, well, I suppose we all go through our fashion phases and actually," he said, approaching Louis again to examine his hair, this time more closely, "you've been doing a rather good job." He motioned for Louis to turn around so he could see the back of his head.

Lestat stepped back. "So who's your stylist?"

Louis' head snapped back in surprise at the question. "My stylist?"

"Yes, your stylist. Who've you gotten to come in and cut it for you?" Lestat speculated. "Daniel? Armand? It wasn't Gabrielle was it? I mean, she's been cutting her hair ever since I made her but--"

"I cut it myself," Louis interrupted. His voice was quiet but immediately it brought Lestat to a halt.

Lestat cocked his eyes, looking at the haircut again. Louis' shining ebony locks had been clipped back to something approaching twentieth century length, cut short in the back and parted to the left, with hair on the short side of the part cut short and hair on the right cut long so that it fell softly to the side and nearly covered one eye. Everything about it suggested a professional cut, all the hair cut to a proper, even length, even the hair at the back.

"You couldn't have done this, Louis," Lestat said, sounding slightly unsure of himself. "I mean, unless you've got talents of which I'm not aware."

"Oh, I do, Lestat, but those talents aside," Louis quipped, "cutting my hair was easy."

Lestat couldn't quite be sure, but he almost felt there was a touch of smirk on Louis' face. "Oh, how do you do it then? Some special mirror?"

"No, Lestat, not at all."

This time Lestat was _sure_ Louis was smirking -- no, wait, now he was _grinning_. "How then?" he asked.

"Well, if you must know, the secret is the [Flowbee Precision Haircutting System](https://www.flowbee.com/)."

Louis' tone had been absolutely deadpan, which is more than Lestat could manage. "WHAT???!!!" he erupted. "What did you say? I have perfect hearing, Louis, but that didn't make much sense. Could you please repeat that?"

"I said, the secret is the Flowbee Precision Haircutting System."

Lestat was non-plussed. "The Flowbee Precision Haircutting System. And what, pray tell, is _that_?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Louis returned smoothly. "Allow me to show you." He turned and headed towards the bathroom. Lestat followed behind, truly confused yet intrigued.

"It's amazing, Lestat!" exclaimed as they entered the room. "With this revolutionary system, you get professional hairstyling results in the convenience of your own home. In fact the system is so simple and precise, I can give myself a perfect cut... even with my eyes closed!"

"That's impossible, Louis!" Lestat challenged. "Even _I_ couldn't do that!"

"Ah, but Lestat, you _can_ ," Louis insisted as he opened the closet and pulled out a vacuum cleaner with a number of yellow and black plastic attachments. "With this!"

"A vacuum cleaner?" Lestat asked sceptically. "I mean, I don't know everything there is to know about twentieth century technology, but I'm fairly certain those devices were not intended to cut hair."

"Oh, but they should have been!" Louis countered. "Every so often, an industry will experience a technological breakthrough that revolutionizes the way it operates, and The Flowbee Precision Haircutting System is just such a breakthrough in the haircutting industry. The patented design of the Flowbee out performs traditional haircutting techniques by providing a perfect cut every time."

Lestat put his hands firmly on Louis' shoulders. "Louis, you sound like you're quoting from a script."

"Oh, do I?" Louis asked, sounding a tad embarrassed. "Well, I supposed it's from watching so many of those commercials."

"Commercials? You mean you saw advertising for this on television and that's what made you go to the store and buy this... system?"

Louis shook his head and crouched down to gesture at the Flowbee. "No, I didn't go to the store. It's not available in stores. I ordered it after seeing the infomercial."

Lestat was at a total loss, the wheels in his brain spinning frantically but gaining no traction. Finally he managed to put out a few words. "You bought this after seeing it advertised on television? You actually called one of those--"

"800-numbers?" Louis finished smoothly. "Yes, I did. I'd be up in the middle of the night watching television on the portable TV and--"

"Portable TV?" Lestat interrupted. He knew such devices existed, but the notion of Louis actually owning one had never occurred to him.

"Yes, Lestat," Louis said patiently. "I have it in my bedroom. I'd had it for quite a while actually. I was sick of watching what everyone else was watching so I bought my own to watch in here."

Lestat just stared.

"What is it, Lestat? Surprised at my initiative? Think I'm too passive and wrapped up in the past to buy something as simple as a television?"

"I-- um-- I... Well, no, it's not that, it's just that I thought I knew everything about you and now I find that--"

"I've been sitting up in the wee hours of the night watching infomercials?"

Lestat laughed. "Yes, Beautiful One, that's it precisely." He dropped down beside Louis to look at the Flowbee. "And now you will explain how this works?"

"It's really quite simple," Louis explained. "To quote the commercial, 'In the same fashion that hairdressers pull the hair up between their fingertips to give a layered scissors cut, the Flowbee uses the suction power of your household vacuum to draw the hair up to the desired length, and then gives it a perfect cut... every time.'"

Lestat cracked a smile. "You're very good with that delivery, Louis. Perhaps you should consider a career in sales."

"Oh, Lestat! Don't be funny. Let me explain how it works." Louis grabbed the vacuum tube. "You just decide what length you want and pick the appropriate attachment and spacer and you can't go wrong! The Flowbee spacers make it _IMPOSSIBLE_ to cut the hair shorter than the length for which the spacers are set. There are even special spacers for cutting around the ears and neck."

Lestat held the tube in his hand and fingered some of the attachments Louis had by now pulled out of the closet. "Oh, now I see. Very handy. And you really have done a nice job." He reached out and ran his hand through Louis' shortened locks. "Very professional."

"Thanks," said Louis, feeling the glow of one of Lestat's rare compliments.

After a moment, however, Louis knew something was up. Lestat had a devilish look in his eyes.

"Louis," Lestat said slowly, his hands back on the Flowbee. "Do you think it's possible--" he broke off.

"Yes, Lestat?"

"Do you think it's possible that you could do a demonstration?" he asked.

"You mean tomorrow night? Sure, when I'm ready to do it, I'll call you in here."

"I don't mean a demonstration on _you_ , silly," Lestat chided affectionately. "I meant on _me_. Look at these golden waves," he said, gesturing. "Think you could cut them off, make me into a modern man?"

Laughter simply erupted from Louis' lips. He couldn't help it. "Make you a-- a-- a modern man? Oh, Lestat, I don't-- Well, I suppose I could try it." His humorous tone rapidly faded the moment he warmed to the idea. "I mean, I have the easy, step-by-step instruction manual and I've been practicing on myself for two weeks so it shouldn't be difficult."

"Magnifique!" Lestat cackled. "Oh, let's get started then." He got up, took a seat on the dressing chair, and waited for Louis. "Well, what are you waiting for?" he asked.

"You need to tell me what kind of haircut you want," Louis informed his new client.

"What kind? Oh, I don't know-- just something different. Doesn't matter really, does it? I mean, it'll all grow back tomorrow, you know."

"Still," Louis argued gently, "you should try to pick something you like, something that will suit you. After all, if it comes out well, I may want to show you off."

"As an example of your skill?"

Louis nodded. "So can you look in the booklet and tell me what you'd like?" He went into the case and found the pamphlet, handing it to Lestat.

Lestat scanned through the pages. "No, not that... Too boring... That's the Dutch boy... That's too macho... What is _that_ thing?" Finally he threw the booklet down on the floor. "I give up, Louis. I'm sorry, but none of those suit me. I _am_ The Vampire Lestat, you know."

"I know. And what is that The Vampire Lestat has in mind?" Louis asked. "And please keep in within reason."

Lestat thought about it. He had been taking in modern human fashion all along but he'd never particularly thought about hair styles and, strangely, now that he thought about it, he couldn't think of any one striking example of what he might do.

Maybe it would be better to consider famous people, people who'd really stood out. His mind flipped through all the images he'd picked up from movies and television. Louis was waiting and still he couldn't think of anything.

Then it hit him. Why, he'd been a fool not to realize it! What album had he just been listening to and what rock star had he decided was even more magnificently decadent than The Vampire Lestat? Oh, but of course.

"Have you decided, Lestat?" Louis asked patiently.

"David Bowie." That was really all Lestat felt he had to say but since Louis was doing the work he went on. "Like on the cover of _Young Americans_. Short in the back, longer and tousled in the front. Lots of... hair gel, I believe it's called."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Lestat, but if you have a picture, I'll give it a try."

Twenty minutes later, after the blond-haired client had run to his room to fetch the album cover and brought it back to his stylist, Lestat and Louis emerged from the bathroom, their magnificent Flowbee cuts having already paid for the cost of the system and with no messy hair to clean up afterwards; with the Flowbee Precision Haircutting System all of the trimmed hair goes directly into your vacuum.

"So what do you think?" Lestat asked, gesturing to his new 'do, which really did make him look like David Bowie.

"I think I'm going to start charging," Louis grinned.

"Even for me?" Lestat asked with mock-affront.

"No, not for you, just the others," Louis replied. " _You_ get a special discount."

"Do I have to call an 800-number to get it?"

"No, all you need to do is call _me_."

"That shouldn't be difficult," Lestat offered, coming closer to Louis until they were nearly touching.

Louis crooked a smile. "Want to go show off?" Louis asked. "You know, to the others?"

Lestat was tempted -- when _didn't_ he wanted to show off? -- but his suddenly proximity to Louis, coupled with the fact that he'd just let Louis handle him for twenty minutes, gave him other ideas.

"Not out _there_."

"Where then?" Louis asked, completely and sincerely innocent.

"Over _there_ ," Lestat said, pointing to the bed.

"Ah, I see!" Louis gasped before giving the matter a moment of thought. "Well, I think that would be very convenient," he said slowly, "for at home use use."

"And forget about attachments, Louis," Lestat breathed, pulling Louis to him so that they were chest to chest. "I have everything I need right here. In my arms."

Louis was swooning.

"Who knew an 800-number could change my life like this?" he asked softly.

Lestat nibbled on Louis' earlobe before speaking. "You'll have to do a testimonial for the company," he whispered. "But not," he began, then tugged Louis over to the bed, "before we engaged in our own testimonial -- and things which still, even in this modern age, are not 'as seen on TV.'"

**THE END**


End file.
